Insomnia…late night ramblings…

I can’t sleep. This has been going on for a few days now. . . 

I’ve been trying to sleep for the last hour or so,  but I’m still wide awake.

So I’m laid in bed, listening to Qur’an in the hope it will help me sleep.

Doesn’t help that the mister has taken over my side of the bed . . .  I’m  hanging off the edge. . . Sort of. . .He’s so close to me it’s pissing me off. I can’t sleep with him stuck to me like this. I can’t handle it at this point in time.

I feel hot. Then I feel cold. Supposedly it’s snowing outside but all I could hear earlier was rain. I hate snow. Okay hate is a strong word. I strongly dislike snow. If it snows, I’m not leaving the house. I don’t like going out in the stuff. 

Anyway. Why can’t I sleep? Can’t just be cos he’s so close to me. To be honest, his snoring is driving me up the wall too.

Is this what pregnancy does to you? You end up hating/repelling your other half? 

I have a million thoughts going through my head which don’t seem to let me sleep either. Apprehensions, fears, worries. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t feel ready for this. I end up having weird dreams, which don’t really help in any way whatsoever. 

Now I feel cold. But I don’t dare get back under the covers. He hasn’t moved. I even tried moving him. He’s like a dead weight when asleep. He didn’t even flinch when I tried pushing him back to his side. What am I to do? I feel like crying. It’s nearly 1am and he’s sound asleep without a care in the world. 

OK. I’m going to attempt to push him again. 

*wish me luck*

Til next time InshaAllah 

Xx 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder… 

I never thought about how true that is, until I got married. 

Leaving home was probably the hardest thing for me, especially because things weren’t in the best of states. 

M was in the middle of her divorce. Things between her, mum and dad weren’t going too great. B wasn’t really doing much to support mum and dad, doing the things a son should, but was bysy worshipping the ground S (his wife) walks on. 

Mum and dad were stressed out due to M’s situation. And in between all of that, I got married. SubhanAllah. 

In a way I’m glad that’s the way things happened. Partly due to selfish reasons – I don’t think I could deal with all that stress and tension at home. But also because I think M needs to realise how much mum and dad do for her, rather than think they’re her worst enemies, and B needs to step up to his responsibility as a son and stop putting his wife first all the time. But at the same time I was reluctant to leave because I couldn’t bear the thought of them all in that state. 

It breaks my heart now, to see that B isn’t doing half the things he should. He really isn’t stepping up to the mark. Especially after everything mum and dad have done for him. And S doesn’t appreciate how easy she has it. She doesn’t even help out in the housework half the time. That pees me off. If you’re going to live with the inlaws, and make it out like you’re some super duper practicing Muslimah – then step up and take some kind of responsibility! Our mums lived alone and bought us up as well as running a household, but all she does is sit in her room most of the time. Although I think she has been stepping up more recently. After mum told them to leave the house. 

Dad isn’t keeping too well either. His foot isn’t getting any better. Yet he’s still being stubborn about it. I understand he doesn’t want to become dependant on anything or anyone (stair lift/mobility scooter) but he’s in so  much pain, he can’t even think straight half the time. 

When I hear about all the things happening at home, it breaks my heart. Mum and dad aren’t getting any younger. And the attitude from M and B doesn’t help in any way. Instead of helping them, they are just making things more difficult for mum and dad. And that annoys me. I’ve been home (at mum’s) for nearly 2weeks now, M orders me around and doesn’t pull her weight at mum’s. B is hardly around. And when he is, he’s not doing much to help the situation. He has an attitude problem, that’s for sure. Doesn’t know how to speak to any of us properly and then makes it out like he’s the victim. WTH. 

I miss the mister now. I didn’t think I ever would. When we first got married, I was happy to be at mums. He didn’t care much and we hardly spoke whilst I was here. It felt like we were just two strangers who lived in the same house and shared the same bed, nothing more. Now I miss him like crazy. I miss the hugs, the affection, the silly jokes, and funnily enough he actually admitted to missing me too… Something I thought wouldn’t happen in a million years! Alhamdulillah wa shukr. 

I actually look forward to going back home InshaAllah. I know I’m going to end up complaining about how lonely I get etc, but it’s nice having my own space. Here at mums I feel suffocated at times. Feel like I’m a kid under mum’s rules again. It’s frustrating that I can’t have a life outside of here when I come. I’ve been out 3 times in 2 weeks and I’m on lockdown. I’m 31 years old and being treated like a 15 year old. I do what I can to pull my weight here, but still isn’t enough so I’m expected to just sit in front of the TV watching rubbish Indian dramas….

Argh. I’ve gone off tangent. So I’ll end here for now. 

Xx

Sadness

It creeps up on you…

 

I feel really sad right now. Things are going well and I well and truly mess them up. That seems to be the dynamic. I don’t know how I manage to do it, I just do. It’s like I want things to mess up just because things have been so good.

I want to cry. My head hurts from all the tears last night. My heart feels heavy. Why do I mess things up like this?? Why do I take things out of context and get all defensive. That’s when I mess up.

I hate it when he doesn’t talk to me properly. I’m lonely as it is here, and when this happens, I feel even more lonely. I have no one I can speak to about it. So I just sit and make myself feel worse.

I hope things get better soon InshaAllah. I don’t want to go back to mum’s with us being on a sour note 😦

 

 

 

Alvida Ramadan… 

Feels like just yesterday when I was looking forward to Ramadans arrival and in the blink of an eye the month is already coming to an end. SubhanAllah. So many plans were made for making this a productive month. But no avail. All plans gone in vain. Didn’t do half the things I wanted to do. Didn’t make the most of the month. What a waste. I’m disappointed in myself.

It’s been hard. Adjusting. Trying to work the day around his schedule. Trying to get things done earlier in the day. But still feel I could’ve  made better use of my time. Could’ve prepared better. All I can do is pray that Allah (swt) accepts the little things that I have been able to do. And pray I get to see another Ramadan to try again. InshaAllah. Ameen.

I’ve really missed my family this year.  Mum’s food. The buzz of everyone together. The preps with mum. Sending food to people. Receiving food from people. Iftaars at friends. InshaAllah next year. Ameen

Edit: I forgot to mention how great it’s been in terms of bonding with the mister, we sit n do taleem every night either after ‘Isha or Fajr… And just generally… A couple of nights we just sat in the dark and talked… It was nice.. And just feel closer alhamdulillah… I pray Allah (swt) increases us in our love for one another and blesses us with understanding, patience and happiness. Ameen.

Time for bed now x

Alhamdulillah for the little things

It’s 00.23 and I’ve got the munchies. He’s gone out to grab me some food. He could have so easily said no. But he’s actually gone out of his way to grab me some food.
Alhamdulillah. He’s so good to me at times. I feel like an ungrateful so n so when I complain.
We’ve had such a fab day alhamdulillah. I got a bit annoyed at the fact that he woke up late. But apart from that. It’s been amazing. The first time we’ve actually gone out n done something together other than eat.
We walked around Trafford Centre looking for trainers for him, then had a munch and then played 3 games of bowling. It was so much fun!
He had never been bowling before, but done so well! He beat me! I was just glad he had a good time alhamdulillah 🙂 this was probably the first day where we’ve spent that much time together.. In ages…
He’s been so busy working every day to even have the time to take me out. It was actually really sweet of him to suggest that we go out and do something.
I shouldnt get used to it. I’m sure he has other things he probably would want to do. Khayr. I shouldn’t complain.
Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal ❤

Late night thoughts

It’s nearly 3am and I can’t seem to sleep. He’s sound asleep next to me. I can’t help but look at him at times and play with his hair whilst he sleeps. I wonder if I’ll ever get sick of that.

I’ve had a rough couple of days. Emotions everywhere and I don’t know why. I’ve felt upset about things that don’t usually bother me and said things I wish I hadn’t. I really need to think before speaking.

I had a good heart to heart with S apa earlier. It’s nice to have someone who understands. And doesn’t judge. InshaAllah I pray things never get to the point where we ever end up against each other. Ameen.

I still felt lonely though. Felt like the one person who is supposed to be there for me/with me,  wasn’t. I really shouldn’t complain. He’s doing so much for us. For our house. To make sure the debt is paid off. I can’t imagine the stress he must be feeling. I try so hard to not feel like this but as Ramadan is getting closer, I’m feeling it even more. I miss home. Miss my family. Miss the way things were.

InshaAllah tomorrow/today will be a better day. Ameen

Xx

Morning thoughts…

Every morning feels like a battle to get out of bed. First to try and wake up the mister and then after he’s gone, rather than get on with stuff, all I want to do is curl back into bed. Why? I feel safe there. I still miss home. I miss London. I miss family and friends. I hate being alone. What better to do to get rid of that loneliness? Sleep. I’m sure there are other ways to get over this feeling, but right now, this is my best and only solution…